Love Songs From God

This year has been a really tough one.
Not the toughest -- 2023 still holds that title, with 2024 as a close second.

This year probably comes right after that. 

My mum, who has walked beside Nick and me every step of the way this year, knowing our struggles, shared this song with us to give us hope. It's called "Keep Holding On" by Jeremy Rosado. 

I don't know if I can adequately describe what it did for me, but let me try...

This song turned my life around.

From the first time I listened to it, it felt like a song written for me and for everything I was feeling.

It felt like finally, finally, God had heard my prayers. 

And sent an angel to tell me not just that, but to tell me that HE knows.

He knows how much I've been struggling. That he knows how hard it's been. 

That he hasn't forgotten about me. That he still loves me... so much. 

That God is working. That God just wants me to have hope. 

To JUST... keep... holding... on. 

I started to listen to that song each time I felt hopeless. Each time I felt like giving up.

And each time it made me weep, and picked me back up. Gave me hope.

Keep Holding On

I know you're tired of holding the weight

Can't keep your head above the water, drowning in your shame

I won't pretend to know how it feels

But don't you forget you know the God who loves to heal

Keep holding on, it's never too late

Miracles happen when you call upon His name

He's done it before, He'll do it again

And right now, I'm begging you to give it one more chance

What if I told you that the story's just begun?

Keep holding on.

He knows your heart, holds every piece

All of the broken isn't your identity

You are still loved, His masterpiece

Just wait and see He'll be redeeming everything

Keep holding on, it's never too late

Miracles happen when you call upon His name

He's done it before, He'll do it again

And right now, I'm begging you to give it one more chance

What if I told you that the story's just begun?

Keep holding on.

*Deep Sigh*

I'm listening to it right now as I type this and it still has the same effect, each time I listen to it. It's now part of my morning routine, it's what I start my day with.

He knows my heart and holds every piece? That "shocks and awes" me at the same time because yes,  of course he does, he made it. And even when it breaks (and it does, often... *sigh*), he's holding it so tenderly until it heals again. Even though each time it doesn't feel like it could heal again, I gotta know that it does because he's done it before and he'll do it again. 

I started listening to his other songs and one by one, they touched my heart and some took my breath away. I can only describe them as the most beautiful love songs about God.

My 2nd favorite song is called "Nothing".

I well up with tears each time I listen to this because it reminds me of how faithful and unconditional God's love is for us, and I feel so unworthy of such a love at times because I'm just me, plain ol' me, one among billions and yet God knows ME, and loves ME. It's baffling and overwhelming and so amazing!

My favorite part of the song:

What could pull me from Your loving arms?

What could separate me from Your heart?

There's nothing, there's nothing. 

There's nothing I've been through

There's nothing I can do 

That could keep me from You

That could break us apart

That could make You regret Your scars

There's nothing, there's NOTHING.

How AMAZING is that?

To be loved so deeply and greatly, I can't even fathom it but yet it's there. We have it.

What a wonderful and remarkable gift!!!

I am always amazed by God's love for us. 

And I am stunned and overwhelmed at how beautifully Jeremy Rosado has captured that in his songs. 

In Great Is Your Faithfulness:

What if the stories are all true?

What if there's nothing You won't do?

That You'd really leave the ninety-nine to save a life as lost as mine?

And what if You're who You say You are

And You can be trustеd with my heart

Then wouldn't I rest on Your promisеs?

'Cause if all the stories are true, then how great is Your faithfulness

That line gets me every time.

My heart has always been my most precious possession to me.

Because I believe no one else could have given me a heart like this other than God. 

And to think that there is one person I can trust with it, to never ever hurt it, to keep it as precious as it is to me, if not more -- that just takes my breath away. 

Hero In The Room

The people I loved the most didn't protect me 

from the lies that were spoken

But there in that moment I knew

I had a Hero in the room

Telling me the truth

That I'm good еnough

Oh, how You'd fight for me

Standin' in between

The еnemy and me

I might be bruised

But I'm alive because I had a Hero in the room

Since I was young, I believed the things people told me and well, the things I told myself too about why my heart was the way it was and all the things that were wrong with it. But as time passed, God showed me the truth in every situation he presented to me to use that same heart to help, to be kind, to love. 

Even today, I still doubt myself at times but this song reminds me that no matter what situation or "room" I'm in, my God is there telling me to trust the heart he gave me and we won't go wrong. 

Honestly if I keep going I am going to go through the whole album -- it is just THAT GREAT! So, if anyone finds this post and is inspired by it, please go check out the album. 

I'll close this off with one more favorite: 

When I meet Jesus

All my worries and my fears will fade away

When He calls my name

When I meet Jesus

I'll be home and there to stay when He tells me

"Well done, My good and faithful servant

You are loved, you were worth it"

When I meet Jesus

 

*Overwhelmed Sigh*

Can you imagine that? Meeting Jesus finally, some day? And... he calls... my name. 

And tells me... I was worth it. 

There are no words to describe what a complete and perfect moment that would be.

All I can do is live my life the way I think he wants me to, to use the heart he gave me, to love the way he taught me to... and do my best... until that moment comes 💖

Signing off now -- overwhelmed, grateful and loved. ✨

Our Wedding Should Have Been About Us.

11.11.2023 ~ Our Wedding Day.

This morning I saw footage of a friend's wedding. Everyone looked like they were having the time of their lives. They all looked so happy for the couple. I hoped that was genuinely the case as pictures and videos only show so much. It made me think of my wedding day and all that usually comes with that thought. 

It was almost 2 years ago and a few months after it happened my counsellor advised me to write about it, to help express everything I felt. I tried several times since then but either emotions were too overwhelming or I just couldn't find the right words. 

Maybe this time will be different, I don't know. Where do I even start? 

From the get go we faced some resistance, which then snowballed into what was an extremely difficult and stressful experience especially for me. I cried so much for what was supposed to be one of the happiest experiences of my life. 2 days before the wedding, I seriously contemplated just cancelling the whole thing, and disappearing for a while. I told Nick, let's just elope. And although it was supposed to be a day that was about him and me, he could also see it just wasn't. My mum who was by my side through it all, was heartbroken to see me like that. I just couldn't understand how some people could make OUR wedding day somehow more about them than us. 2 years later, I still don't understand, to be honest. 

And here I was, trying to think of a good experience for literally everyone -- right down to me making personalized thank you cards for each and every guest. I came up with the idea because it was important to me that everyone knew how grateful I was for them making the time for our wedding. Some travelled from Singapore, Taiwan and Australia, one dear friend's mother was very ill and was told may not make it but she was there and another friend came with a broken leg! That meant the world to me especially when some people gave me what I felt were really lame excuses for not being able to be there.

I even made personalized thank yous for those who made it so difficult and stressful for us because I decided to put everything behind me and just enjoy the day, no matter what. Needless to say, I had no idea how bad the "what" would be. We really tried our hardest to focus on just us, but each time we thought we succeeded, the "outside noise" was just too much. 

We ended the night on a low note, and only found comfort in each other in the peace and quiet of our hotel room, where we cried and talked till 5am. And just when we thought it was over, the noise continued the next morning and left scars we carry till today. 

There are so many unanswered questions. Why did they think it was okay to do that to us? Why wasn't our wedding about us? Why even be a part of it when you clearly didn't want to? Why, why, why. But even though we tried, we got no answers. It was a heavy burden to bear.

But as time passes, I carry less of that weight with me and am able to focus more on the wonderful things from that day -- like how my friends all came and celebrated with us! They were truly so happy and excited for us, and ALL came up to where we were sitting (they couldn't wait for us to go down) and gave hugs, took pics and congratulated us! 💖💖💖

I think about those who did support us and do their best to make the day about us, especially from my family who actually helped make the experience a good one and made Nick feel as welcomed and a part of this family as he should be on that day (like how my Godpa would have if he was there) I am truly so grateful for that. 💖💖💖

Last but not least, I remember that that was the day I married the love of my life 😍

And how we had little moments of happiness when it was just us. 

Moments, just like this one.

We vowed that we will one day have a "re-do" of our wedding day, maybe when we renew our vows -- if we get there😅. Nothing in life is guaranteed after all.

But till then, we have our good memories to carry us through.💖

One Step at a Time

The last 5 weeks have been extra challenging being in recovery post-op. But I finally feel like things are slowly but surely getting back to normal (whatever that is 😅). Dressing days are still frequent but less, wound is healing well and I actually managed to start cooking again, simple stuff like soups and one-dish meals — but still a huge win for me 💪🏼☺️

We hit another milestone this weekend when we decided to venture outside of the compound! I mean I’ve been going out for dressing every few days but that’s just me getting into a cab and walking a short (very slow) distance inside the polyclinic. And although this was just a trip down the street to the mall, it was HUGE for me! 

The trip itself was quite taxing on me and we decided to take the train cuz the walk was too far but that turned out to be not such a great idea either cuz the vibrations of the train were too much for me. But I got a delicious ice cream sundae cone out of it and got to feel like part of the world again and that was just GREAT. 

Here’s a snapshot of our outing:

Love People While They're Here.

My heart feels heavy tonight.

I’m struggling with how people can be so indifferent -- especially when it comes to someone who deserves tenderness and care. My grandmother, at 92, is being evicted from her home, and we have just two months to relocate her. She’s anxious about the change, and I can only imagine how unsettling it must feel to lose her independence and the little space that was hers.

Even with my limited resources, I want to make this transition as seamless and comfortable as possible for her. But what I can’t wrap my head around is this -- why doesn’t everyone else in the family feel the same urgency or responsibility?

Once again, it seems it has fallen on my mum to sort everything out.

My mum has cared for my grandmother her whole life. 

And finally, at 64, she decided -- for the first time -- to put herself first and chase her own happiness. That journey took her across the world to the UK. Everyone “seemed” happy for her. Yet now, it feels like the message is: come back and fix this because you have to.

But shouldn’t we all want the best for our grandmother?

Shouldn’t our conversations sound more like:

• “I’ll look for some home options and share them.”
• “I can take her to visit and see what she’s comfortable with.”
• “Let’s figure out contributions so it’s lighter for everyone.”
• “Tell me how I can help.”

Instead, what I hear is “Why me?” -- or worse, silence.

I. Just. Don’t. Get. It.

Everyone knows how to go to my grandmother when they need her -- when they want her prayers, or when she was there to watch their kids after school, during holidays, or when they needed a place to stay. But what about now, when she needs looking after?

Everyone says they care. But when care needs to be shown, they disappear into excuses or indifference.

What hurts most is knowing that if something were to happen to her, everyone would show up with tears and words of love. But right now, when she needs that love the most, they’re nowhere to be found. It makes me feel angry, disappointed, and deeply sad all at once.

I’m sure my Godpa in heaven would be feeling the same way -- he loved her deeply and would have done everything to ensure her comfort.

I wish people understood that love isn’t about grand gestures when it’s convenient. It’s about showing up when it’s hard. And right now, she deserves people who show up.

Even though this weighs on me, I know my grandmother feels the love of those of us who are working tirelessly to make this transition as smooth as possible. We’re doing it because she’s worth it. Because she’s family. Because she’s ours.

And maybe that’s what I need to hold on to -- that even if others fail to act, love still lives here, in what we do for her every day.

So I’ll keep praying -- for strength, for provision, and for the best solution for her. She deserves peace. And I pray that, somehow, we can give her that.

The Protector of My Solitude

"The highest form of love is to be the protector of another person's solitude" 

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

I was inspired to create this after seeing this post by @juliandemedeiros because it captures perfectly how I feel about my person 😍

And this really came as a surprise to me too because I used to be a person who needed my "me time" and loved my solo life so much. And no one before Nick had changed that. But every since we met, little by little, we got so glued to each other and now it's completely different 😅

I was just telling my bestie last week how clingy and "disgusting" me and Nick have become 😅😅😅

It's amazing how life can surprise you and how things can always change. I have no idea where this life is going to take us but what I do know is that we're going to enjoy the ride 😍

I love you, Nick Ryan.💗

And as always, counting the minutes till you get home.

Credit: v/o by @juliandemedeiros

Hello, it's me again.

I found my old blog today.

It was nice seeing it after all these years and taking a stroll down memory lane, reliving lotsa good memories and remembering people who were important to me way back when.

But oh how things have changed since. 

So, I decided to start fresh with a new blog to pen down my thoughts in my latest era 😎

Where do I start? 

Well, I'm Singaporean now. Been living here for 10 years and shock of all shocks -- I am married! Yup, the girl who never wanted to get married did just that😅 ... and he is truly the love of my life 😍

I achieved what I wanted to in my career, which I never thought was possible when I first moved here cuz it was like starting over, all over again. But I did it -- I became a Director, excuse me, a Global Director in a reputable international media agency and while still in my 30s nonetheless *pats self on back*. 

I had a loving family, I was more than financially stable and for all intents and purposes -- I was happy. 

But then everything changed. 

In Dec 2022, I fell terribly ill. My lung collapsed from a bad case of pneumonia, sepsis set in and the doctors said I wouldn't make it. With whatever lucidity I had left I said goodbye to my family, made a will and made peace with the thought that this was it for me. 

Thankfully I woke up in 2023... but things were never the same again because the worst wasn't over.

One by one, I lost almost everything -- my home, my job, my family... everything stable in my life came crashing down... and I've been trying to build it back, brick-by-brick, every since.

Phew.

That was heavy 😅

Which brings me to where we are today -- still building them bricks back.

Since that fateful incident life has been one challenge after another making me feel like I've been stuck in 2023 forever! But, I'm learning to be more positive these days and I think the winds are finally changing for us. Just last week we hit another setback and I had to have surgery (of all the things we literally can't afford right now 😓) and now I'm in recovery which I'm told will take another 1-2 months. But, I really feel like this time, this....well, "time" I've been given will be put to some good -- healing for me and my soul. And some of it starts with this blog. 

So it's nice to be back here again... and here's to the new days ahead of us. 💖